Jessie has a membership to the Philadelphia Zoo, so the past year has seen an uptick in my visits. They’ve made a lot of improvements over the years and there’s many things that I enjoy seeing when I got there. But there’s one exhibit that I would have to describe as my favorite: The otters.
It is difficult to describe how freaking adorable otters are when they’re leaping off of things into the water, chasing each other, playing with various toys floating in their enclosure. When you see otters at the zoo, you have a hard time remembering that they are in captivity. Or at least, you have a hard time seeing the downside. The otters seems to be fine with it. Anyway, when I catch a glimpse of happy-go-lucky otters, I look like this:
OK, admittedly this is a picture of me being pretty excited about the prospect of putting a pair of Peeps (armed with toothpicks) into the microwave. It was after someone told me that they “battle” while they melt or something and this seemed awesome to me (for the record, no real battle happened…they just kind of melted…disappointing, but a pretty good use for Peeps). I had also had a few glasses of wine (it was a Good Friday party after all). Anyway, the point is I feel similarly excited about otters being all otter-y.
Last week I had a battle with a bout of sadness and anxiety. While I was at home healing from its effects, Wes sent me a video of baby otters. OH MY GOODNESS! All I wanted to do was pet them and let them scurry around and then pet them some more.
It made me feel immensely better. The simple sight of baby otters lifted a good portion of the sadness and anxiety away. It was then that I realized that baby otters would probably be a pretty good anti-depressant. In fact, they probably make the best anti-depressant! Everyone knows that mood disorders are due to various chemical misfirings and imbalances in the brain, right? So, if looking at an otter does the same thing that medications do, why is it that you can’t go to your local pharmacy and fill a prescription for Baby Otter?
A simple Google search showed me my answer: A major species of otter comes from China.
Now, you might be getting ready to assume that I am about to reveal that otters from China are infused with massive amounts of lead or something, and so the FDA had to ban them in this country for use as medicine…you know, for our safety. But that’s not it at all!
The truth is that this country is currently in the clutches of Big Pharma, an industry completely hell bent against embracing the magic of Eastern Medicine. So, since otters come from China, this is, like, the same thing.
A moment to break character: I am not a proponent of “alternative medicine”. I do not think that you can heal yourself by hoping really hard and aligning your chakras. I DO however distrust the pharmaceutical industry. I am quite skeptical of its motives from time to time and don’t take any claims of miracle drugs at face value. I just wanted to point that out because as I did Google searches to try and find ridiculous links to holistic health sites, I started making myself sick and had to take a break. The Yahoo message boards were the worst. “People are fat because of Western Medicine!!!” Deep breath…
So, clearly Western Medicine already knows about the anti-depressive effects of otters and how it’s a remedy without any side effects and clearly they are keeping them from us as a readily available item. Sure, you can see them at the zoo, but we are programmed by society to dismiss our increase in mood in the presence of otters as a simple thought of “Oh, what a nice day at the zoo! Those otters are cute. Hmm, time to go get a soda in a tiger shaped cup!” In reality, there are real physiological changes happening! If you were able to sit in the presence of otters for hours on end, your depression would likely be cured completely.
And what about other maladies? If all you need is positive thinking to cure all your ills (from depression to a tumor), then otters are all you need. That’s right. I am positing that otters can cure cancer, especially after ready about numerous stories about wrongful deaths or side effects about which you can read at http://sideeffectsofxarelto.org/current-xarelto-lawsuits/.
The Chinese have probably known this for years. I read somewhere on the internet that they have managed to figure out how to harness the inherent healing elements of an otter and produce it in powdered otter pellet form. This way, you can get the obvious health benefits of otters without having to actually take care of an otter (which would obviously involve letting it live in your bathtub where it would swim around and crack clams open with rocks on its belly. ZOMG CUTE!).
Powdered otter pellets work in much the way that actually seeing an otter works, as long as you’ve seen an otter before. You go to the zoo and check out the otters. You will never forget that experience (gee whiz! That was the best day ever!). Now, when you take an otter pellet, you will remember that the pellet is made of the cutest animals on the planet. You will remember that day at the zoo and THE HEALING BEGINS!
Another out of character moment: Good lord, this is difficult. You know, I thought that writing stupid “science” articles would be easy but it’s quite hard to not be constantly accusing myself of being full of shit. “Yes,” I say to myself, “I know! That’s the point of the HUMOROUS piece!” “Listen,” I say to myself back, “Go read another message board…”
So, cancer sufferers who are growing tired of trying the same old remedies, why don’t you ask your oncologist about otters the next time you’re there. Watch how they will scoff and say that there’s no evidence that otters cure cancer and then drop your doctor because they are just a cog in the Western Medicine machine.
AHHH! I can barely stand myself right now. At some point I’ll write a serious post about faith healing and Christian Scientists and this will really make me want to barf. I think next time I need to write about something less harmful like how we’re days away from time travel due to one person’s vague understanding of relativity. For now, I don’t think I can keep up this charade any longer.
In conclusion, here is a picture of an Asian Otter in a log:
If you’re having a bad day, I would suspect that picture just made it a little better. You’re welcome!
And she nails the dismount! Everyone knows that you get out of trouble on the internet by posting cute animal pictures. I think a recent commenter is right. I should just talk about boogers. That’s much more noble.
I will rarely use my admin powers (mwahahahaha!) in this sense, but I must vehemently disagree that otters are the cutest animal. That title clearly goes to pygmy marmosets:
Gina back. I won’t deny that pygmy marmosets are adorable, but…