Last Friday, I accompanied Ginny for a day of achieving nebulous wedding related goals that took us traipsing across town. I say nebulous because really all we had in mind was to go get pedicures…
Note: For whatever reason, Ginny and I step out of our decidedly non-girly roles when we spend days together. On one of our first dates, we went searching in antique stores for tea cups and bought yarn. Subsequently there have been days filled with us wearing spiffy dresses, getting pedicures, and drinking overpriced specialty “martinis”. Whatever, don’t judge us, Judgey McJudgerstein.
Anyway, we ended up stopping at several places in a futile attempt to find comfortable shoes to complete her wedding outfit. I was also looking for shoes to go with my awesome Wedding Band Star outfit, but my requirements are a bit more specific. I wanted light blue, open toed shoes of some sort and was experiencing complete failure in finding any.
I know…you’re sitting at the edge of your seat by now wondering what I’m going to talk about. I can feel it in the air.
So, I thought today I would look on the Internet for a quick solution. If the shoes I want exist, surely the Interwebz will give them to me. I found my way to Amazon after the “rest” of the internet thoroughly disappointing me in terms of design AND prices I’m willing to pay.
Note: I am willing to pay $15 for shoes at this point. Maybe $20 if they’re awesome. Maybe.
Well, I thought Amazon was failing me too. Who knew that my shoe inspirations were so obscure and expensive? But then…then they showed me the way:
Can you hear the angels? ‘Cause they’re totes singing. If I ever saw a more impressive shoe, it must have erased my memory due to being too incredibly awesome to be remembered. Now, get a load of the item name:
7 1/2 Inch High Platform Sexy Shoes Circle Light Up Shoes Stripper Shoes Ankle Strap Sandals Chrome Blue
First of all, I didn’t even know they made shoes that were 7.5 inches tall. Second of all, apparently I can strip in these and not die. I mean, they wouldn’t put that into the description if I could die wearing them, right? Of course not! and, of course, they light up in a way that is reminiscent of any of one of my favorite things: Oscilloscopes or Jacob’s ladders .
OK, I know that’s supposed to be pretty lights or something, but I choose to assume that it’s a tip of the hat to 1800’s science. You know the kind I mean: Bringing the dead back to life by harnessing the power of the swirling lighting storm above your roof. Or, um, using oscilloscopes to look cool. That’s a thing right?
So yeah, these shoes combine my love of impractical, dangerous science with my love of being 7.5 inches taller. In addition to those excellent things, wearing a ridiculous pair of light up stripper heals to Shaun and Ginny’s wedding would make me THAT woman at the wedding.
Picture it: I show up in a tube dress of some sort and those shoes, barely able to walk because those shoes are basically stilts and I am not trained in the art of not walking like an idiot in them. In my hand is a handle of vodka and my hair looks like I just came back from a pretty wild night that resulted in me falling off of a dock somewhere. I come in, see the looks from their family and friends and say something to the tune of, “Hey! DON’T JUDGE ME!” Maybe I’ll quote Jesus in a garbled fashion like, “mumble mumble mumble LEST YE BE JUDGED!” and then fall over…all classy like. Then Peter will revive me with smelling salts and say “It’s time to play music now, Gina” and then we’ll all know how much of a rock star I really am.
This is how memories that last a lifetime are made, people.
Or…you know…not. But only because the shoes cost over $100.
But seriously, folks:
When I went to meet Shaun’s mom on Easter (in the post I realize I described a similar “slut crashing the party” scene…), I put decidedly too much thought in the best way to NOT look like a slut. This is, under any other circumstances, not difficult for me because I tend to not particularly dress like a typical hooker (mainly because I don’t have the budget for lightning shoes), but I was terrified that I was going to be walking into some kind of situation where she would want to brand me “Home Wrecker”. Much in the same vane, I really don’t want to do anything to bring about the idea of “Oh…there’s that (married) whore who is invalidating their marriage”. So, I will be looking like something out of Mad Men along with the rest of the band who will be similarly nicely dressed.
But still…I will dream about those shoes…and making a YouTube video of the scene I described above, because that’s fucking funny.