This is step 4 of my patented 6-step series on How to OkCupid. This step focuses on searching for matches.
Step 1: Get Out There
Step 2: Be Good-Looking!
Step 3: Be Interesting!
Step 4: Find Other Good-Looking, Interesting People!
Step 5: Make Contact!
Step 6: Date!
STEP 4: Find Other Good-Looking, Interesting People
Now that you’ve made an excellent profile, it’s time to find some other people with excellent profiles. This is primarily done by using the search feature. There are a lot of variables you can use to search, but here are the ones I recommend:
- Gender and gender preference. Make sure you’re looking for the gender you prefer, and make sure that they are looking for you.
- Age. If you have age preferences, use them.
- Distance. Unless you’re specifically looking for LDR’s, look for people in your area.
- Online in the Last Week. You don’t want to waste you time messaging people who never use the site. They won’t write you back.
- Non-Monogamy. OkCupid has finally added the option to specifically look for non-monogamous people! This is a powerful feature for the polyamorous, and you should make liberal use of it. Remember, though, it’s a new feature, and lots of people haven’t marked their monogamy preferences, so don’t rely too heavily on this one.
- Keywords. Try searching for “poly” or “polyamorous.” It’s an easy way to find people who are openly and proudly poly. It’s also a good reason to make sure you use those words in your profile.
Additionally, you should order your results by match percentage. Once you click on a profile, here’s what you’re looking for:
High Matches. If you’ve followed the advice from Step 3, a high match percentage will be a good indicator of how close someone is to what you’re looking for.
Polyamory. You’re looking for people who are poly, and proudly so. It should be mentioned prominently in their profile. Otherwise, they’re probably not really poly, or else they’re ashamed. Either way, it’s not what you’re looking for.
Consistency. Trust no one! Just because you’re being honest in your profile doesn’t mean other people are. Look for inconsistencies. They are a clue that the person may be less than honest.
Face Pics! Like I said in Step 2, if you don’t show your face, it means you’re either hiding or ashamed. That goes for other people too. If they don’t show their faces, stay away.
Attractiveness. You probably didn’t need to be told this, but remember to look for people that actually attract you.
Dealbreakers. You’re going to have your own dealbreakers. Make sure you know what they are, and make sure you’re looking for them.
You should always check a potential date’s match questions before sending a message. These questions give you an incredible about of information about a person. It’s one of the reasons why I love OkCupid so much. The ability to learn that much about someone before even meeting them is an amazing ability, and you should make sure you use it well.
Okcupid gives you the option to tell it which questions you want to see. Start with questions that are important to you. Those are the important ones, so you can get the most relevant information there.
Next, check the questions that are important to your match. You’ll get to see which questions they’ve marked as most important, which lets you know the type of things that are important to them. If you’ve marked a lot of the same questions as important, that’s a good sign.
Next, if you want, you can check “unacceptable answers.” I’m generally ambivalent about this, but if you do choose to check them, make sure you check them AFTER you’ve checked the important questions. The issue with checking unacceptable answers is that it gives you a list of what’s wrong with a person, which is fine, but the trouble is that seeing everything wrong with someone before seeing what’s right with them can give you a bad first impression, and that’s tough to change later.
As you’re reviewing profiles, remember to TRUST NO ONE! People lie in their profiles. Common lies include:
- Height. People average 2 inches shorter than reported
- Income. People generally exaggerate their income by 20%
- Photos. The more attractive a photo is, the older it generally is. The best photos are out of date.
It’s not exactly a lie, but there is a misleading match question that lots of people have answered: “Would you consider having an open relationship (i.e., one where you can see other people)?” The only options are “yes” and “no.” People tend to interpret a “yes” as meaning that the person is cool with poly. It doesn’t mean that. Lots of people answer this question “yes” that still are not interested in poly. They just might “consider” and “open relationship.” Don’t put too much stock in this question.
Put some time and effort into this search. Read the whole profile. Read a good sampling of the match questions. Get a good sense of who the person is, and if they’d actually be a good match.
Next step: making contact.